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Kristina

It’s such a fleeting feeling, to know that there are people that will always see you in a negative light. What’s even worst is knowing that even if you try to change yourself they still refuse to acknowledge it and they don’t change their perception about you. And the kicker? Knowing that the person that sees you so terribly is someone you value.

I know I’m not perfect. I have some vices/bad habits that I’m conscious of. One example is my speech, mainly my thoughts are usually not in sync with my talking. The best metaphor I can give to explain this is having a voice that goes about 40 MPH connected to a mind that goes 90MPH. There are others I can go into detail but then this would be turning into some kind of self-bashing.

For the past few years, I come to terms with having bad habits and been doing my best to change them. It’s a long journey, having to relearn and break something that you’ve been avoiding/having for years. It’s not easy to undo what has become comfortable, or “normal,” to me. But still, I push myself when I can. I know that I’ve been making progress. But there are some who don’t (or in other instances won’t) see progress, and they continue to think that you haven’t changed.

That is one of the most heartbreaking feelings in the world.

While I understand that someone really should go out of their way to prove something to someone, I also think deep down people do want the validation. We want to be acknowledged for our progress and have approval from those we love/care about. So when those people continue to focus on the bad side of you, not giving you the benefit of the doubt, it hurts. It cuts differently because it makes you realize that no matter what you do there will always be that want to stay in the past. They don’t want to start over and give you a chance.

I’ve experienced this feeling twice this week, professionally and personally. It makes me wonder if it’s me or the people I surround myself with. If I know that I’ve made progress, why is it so hard for others to see that? Why would they continue to revert to the past unless they’re justifying something else? It seems that these people have major trust issues. Ironic coming from me right?

If I ever gave them a reason to not trust or give me the benefit of the doubt, it was never intentional. I would hope they would be able to differentiate from who I am today is not the same person from 2 years ago. I’m not even the same person from 6 months ago, so to continue to look down at me from that time is depressing. Eventually, you conclude that no matter what you do, these people will never see you in a different light and all your efforts to show them wrong was a waste.

Sometimes you have to surrender and throw in the towel, even if you love the person (personally speaking, obviously not professionally because that would be weird). It’s a different kind of frustration because you can’t change it. All you can do is just move on from it. That is something I’m learning to do. It’ll take time, but I will learn how to move on from an impossible self-fulfilling goal that does more damage than good.

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