From the time this domain was registered, this site has always been under construction. There were a few openings/launches in the part but all of them received partial effort. Translation-I was forcing myself to do something I thought I ready to do. My mind (and even my heart) was lacking the discipline needed to sit down and build this site to its full potential. It also didn’t help with the explosion of social media and sites like YouTube where it feels like owning a blog is outdated. The blogging scene seemed to become saturated with sites like Tumblr as well.
So where does that leave someone like me, a person that had started blogging out of college as a way to keep up with her graphic/web design hobby? I’ve had other sites for myself as well as worked on other’s websites but there was that constant struggle of keeping up with the latest markup language (with a less than average comprehension) without the formal training while maintaining a “normal” life. Mixed that with a constant nagging feeling that everything needs to be perfect before showing it off with life changes and you have described my life and struggles with this site over the past 4 years.
The above paragraph isn’t an excuse but more of explaining the direction I’m coming from. There are some things I love to share and talk about but when it comes to my personal life, feelings, the darkest thoughts I’ve always struggled with articulating those without sounding… “weird” per social norms/cues.
But then again I always thought said social norms/cues were ways to ostracize others that aren’t “normal” but I digress…
Not to sound cliche but it’s been an emotional rollercoaster for the past 3 years. There’s been losses (minor and huge), confusion, anxiety, and depression. But there’s also been hope, healing, growth, and even love from the least expected source. Oddly all these changes have been good as they helped in pushing myself to new territories and getting out of my comfort zone. I’ve experienced lows but still came through it all. These experiences also helped me realized what I want out of life, who/what I want to be surrounded with, and the kind of mark I want to leave in this world. I want to make this world a happier, either with my “unconventional” sense of humor that could be offputting to some but others understand or seeing that the glass is half empty/half full depending on the day.
I know I will never fit in or be seen as “normal.” Frankly, I don’t want to be. The journey to be normal has held me back so much and I truly believe this is why I’ve allowed myself to remain stuck for so long. I much rather be happy surrounding myself with the people and things that warm my heart instead of chasing the constant desire to be accepted. I’ve reached that season where I want to be happy and no longer have that desire to blend in with what most deemed as “normal.”
So, what does all this have to do with this site?
To be honest, I’m not sure yet. This is all still a work in progress and will be indefinitely. I know I want to share my experiences and thoughts I would get anxiety just trying to share, also sprinkle in some fun things to balance it all out. Maybe it will be a nod to the personal blogs that started around the late 90s/early 2000s but with more emotional investments. Only time will tell.
All I know is I’m tired of hiding, and I’m ready to share who I am in this big world. Know some won’t like it and will probably be turned off by it. But this isn’t about them. It’s about me finding peace and happiness within myself. Finally.