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Alone

Kristina

This morning I woke up missing someone I unexpectantly fell in love with. This is a feeling I’ve been fighting with for the past 16 months. While the level of emotions has gone down, there’s still that hole inside my heart that I can’t find a replacement for. Some would say I feel this way because I refuse to move on from a love that is clearly over. I think it’s way more than that.

When it comes to relationships, all I really wanted is someone to accept me. I could never find someone that would be open to accepting every part of me, physically and emotionally.

I’m self-aware to know that I harbor some very heavy trust issues. From childhood to now, I’ve been skeptical about people’s intentions with me. Add that with insecurities about their looks and you would have someone with a 10-foot emotional wall around them. So when I actually find someone that I think I can build something with, it takes a lot of effort to undone that wall I’ve built around me. It takes a lot of self-reflection and putting myself out there to that person, which as an introvert can be a very draining task. You’re forcing yourself to open up when your natural instinct is to run away. You have to keep reminding yourself that this person is a different one you’ve dealt with in the past. You doing your best to give this person the benefit of the doubt but your past experiences are making you suspicious. Slowly, your insecurities are chipping away at what you’re wanting to build with someone. Then it’s finally over, and you’re left with your issues.

On the other side, there are people that only want to accept certain parts of you. They don’t want to deal with someone’s “bad” side, or they only want to put up with it enough so they can get what they want. To me, this seems to be the most accurate when it comes to meeting someone that I can see myself being with. Is that lack of trust coming through? Sure, but there are also people that really will only put up with someone to get something they want.

As I’m getting older, I’m seeing that wall I’ve built up getting reinforced more as time goes on. I’ve also seen that desire to find someone heavily decreased. While I would like to find someone that will accept my good and bad sides, I don’t have that desire to work to break through those walls anymore. Any remaining romantic feelings I had to possibly give has already been given away. At this point, I just want to be happy with myself. And if that means I’ll be alone I can accept that.

I wasn’t brought into this world just to fall in love with someone. I’m here to experience life as a whole. And I will continue to do so, because that’s what really makes me happy.

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