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Personal Stories & Life

Thoughts

2020

Kristina

If someone in 2010 was to tell me where I would be in 10 years, I would be in slight denial but ultimately would be in some relief. In 2010 I was unemployed and has come to terms that I most likely would never be able to find a job. I was scared to get sick because no insurance and I had confined myself to my house either watching random shows or being tied to my computer. It wasn’t pretty.

Then I sucked at interviewing and “selling” myself to potential employers, not to mention I was in competition with many others after the 2008/2009 recession. I had been out of work since 2008 (not recession-related) and found some work, but I never seemed to last beyond 4 months at the two jobs that took a chance on me. There was that nagging worried feeling that my benefits would run out. This was at a time when employee benefits were extended so many times that if you were fortunate to receive the maximum benefits. I also consider it amazing luck to not only be able to apply for benefits under the first time I was laid off and another with the two jobs that hired me temporarily in 2009. So finance wise I was very lucky to be able to not have a drastic change.

However, this still affected my self-esteem and every day I asked myself “Why won’t anyone hire me?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I standing out?” and other questions that chipped away from my already small sense of self-worth. When your esteem suffers your outlook is affected as well-sure there were days when I refused to get out of bed let alone get dressed or try to even leave the house. What was the point in doing all that? I had met someone after getting out of a detrimental long-distance relationship, but this person was even farther away plus I was still harboring feelings from an earlier relationship in my teens.

I was a mess back then thinking that soon my luck would run out. So yes, if you were to tell me then what and where I would be today I would be relieved. I was happy knowing that alone feeling in the pit of my stomach is the darkness before the dawn. I would be grateful knowing that I was able to move past all the shit I felt during that time. The feeling of loneliness would have shrunk and any confusing feelings I had about a former loved one back then have been resolved.

I entered 2020 without any of the above issues. At the time of this post, I’ve been at a job for over 3 years but know I’m worth WAY more than what this company has to offer. I also entered this year single and not having unfinished business with exes. Now I have two new fears-(1) staying in the same place at a job I dislike/unchallenging and (2) never:” will able to commit to someone because of my insecurities/anxieties. To get over these two fears I will need to push myself out of my comfort zone, and that is what I want to do for 2020.

This year I want to put myself out there, professionally and emotionally. For two decades I would get crippling anxiety when I do something out of my character (heart racing, fast breathing, “weight” of dread on my body, second-guessing everything, all around shutting down all emotions). This year I want to push myself out of my comfort zones and chip away at my anxiety. Know that with the type of anxiety that I have this will take professional help. This is going to take one on one training and a lot of effort to put into the work.

Coming to this realization is different from actually doing something about the issue, so we’ll see if I actually do something about these fears. After all, it’s only day 4 of 2020. We still have 362 days to go.

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